When It’s Wrong, It’s Wrong

This isn’t what I wanted to write about before Valentine’s Day…

Love is a strange thing. It is powerful, mysterious, and many times people confuse it for lust.

Recently, a nearby private religious school has a young adult in custody for allegedly setting up cameras in an apartment of females. On Facebook, the females are asking for the public to forgive this man.

I am going to share something so personal of my youth to help CLEAR the air of crossing the line of sexual abuse. I do not share with delight, I only share for the purpose of helping other females understand they should not accept disrespect of any kind.

I was 3 or 4 when I was introduced to sexual things. I will not share details, so if you ever ask me – I will tell you to seek therapy. From the time of my toddler years to my teens, I had knowledge of the physical world beyond of 10 Things I Hate About You. By the time I was 17 years old I was going through a church repentance process to help me get closer to Christ. I had done the repentance process multiple times, I had been interviewed by many church bishops, counselors, and disciplinary counsel. (The later is a more serious form evaluation of my behavior. I may have a history of property damage…) I was 17 when a particular bishop had crossed the line in my interview. His questioning was about the tiniest of details of my intimate moments. Graphic details. I was very scared because I had never been questioned this way before and I didn’t know who to turn to…for this bishop happened to attend the same church as my family… So, I decided to tell my adolescent therapist. He is a member of my faith and he felt it was very important to discuss with my family about the uncomfortable interview I had. So, I did.

My family is an awesome combo of same faith members, non-members, and once-was members of the faith I am. At this time I was mainly living with a sibling and on again, off again with my father. My mother and step-father lived in a nearby town. Everyone had different opinions of how I should go forward on this subject. My father (and therapist) earnestly, and sometimes with a temper, asked me to turn this bishop into authorities. Now, I have been instructed for many years that anger isn’t God-like. I was in a current state of disappointing my family, church leaders, friends, friends from a previous town, that I knew I was scum and just had to put my head down and go against my therapist’ and father’s wishes.

Years of awkwardness have gone by. When I have come across this previous church bishop, it is awkward and the exit for him isn’t close enough. I also have picked up a bit more about him since that time and realize there were red flags besides my incident…(FUTURE KAYLA FORGIVE YOUR PAST KAYLA FOR NOT SEEING THOSE RED FLAGS. Ok, I forgive myself.) This ONE incident is SMALL compared to rape, cameras on a wall, camera under a stall, forcing one to witness sexual activity, etc. BUT IT STILL CROSSED MY BOUNDARY OF PRIVACY AND EMBARRASSED ME.

What I would have told myself back then is that I am not a bad person to state, “I no longer want to talk to this bishop.” I would have told myself to turn him in because he may have been interviewing other youth… I would have told myself that I can still love my family and go with my gut. I would have told myself I don’t always need to appease others for the sake of ruining another person’s life. I would have told myself that my father’s wrath was out of protection for his daughter and that it is OKAY to get angry. I have since learned anger is a tool God has given us through many grieving processes.

If you have gone through something that has crossed your boundaries, I encourage you to find a professional; therapist, police officer. If you are religious like me, find a safe person, if someone let’s you down, keep going. I have had a better experience with a church bishop. It is was the man who married my husband and me. He had great respect of my history of a thwarted idea of what love is. He NEVER put me in a position to feel LESS THAN,  or disgusting. He didn’t ever ask gross, detail questions of my personal life. Not once. This bishop did have a disciplinary counsel with me, and it was held with respect and honor. The difference of the two bishops is character and how they lived their life. It had nothing to do with my faith or their gender. Let me be clear, the difference with these two individuals were the boundaries they had in their lives and their self-discipline, or lack of self-discipline, and treatment towards me.

Because of this experience of shutting down, not reporting, and keeping it quiet, I have gone through self-hate. I questioned my worth because others told me it wasn’t worth to go to an authority. I questioned if another male truly cared for ME or for my BODY. I went through a couple of years of not wanting to be close to my spouse. The years of self-hate was destructing and I could not recognize the cause of it. It took me 6 therapists to find ONE that would go to the dark, the cringeful stories, the repeat of self-hate to help me BREAK the idea I needed to keep hush to save face for me or for another.

The truth is, I am whole. I am beautiful. I am not a supermodel. I am a super loveable dork.  I was introduced to sensual activities at a young age, that is a fact. I have had many horrific things occur. I have had inappropriate behavior conducted towards me. I do not consider myself a survivor. I am at a point of feeling healed and whole. I consider myself a Kayla, One of a Kind. My desire if for those who experience things that I have, will get to this point, too.

You are TOO important to not address any pain you are going through. Life is too short to keep enduring the pain.

I am ending this in a prayer: Dear God, if there is a reader who knows someone, or is that someone, who has struggles similar to mine, assure them right now You are there. Allow this person to see a glimpse of how powerful and mighty You see him or her. If this reader hasn’t experienced something like this, bring forth tools so he or she may feel empowered to be a solution, aid, or comforter to another. For those who mock, Father, I pray You will seal their mouths or allow them to move on without being a jerk. Let us go forward in faith, knowing You will direct us to the better version each of us can be. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

With as much love as ever,

Kayla

Why Even Try

As a member of the attempted-suicide-tribe, I feel the need to speak up about loneliness and feeling inadequate. At 13 years old I felt done with this world. When my plan of leaving was lovingly interrupted, I turned to a small thought, “If You won’t take me now, then what?” My answer did not come. For the next 6 years I went through annoyance, anger, sadness. I felt my life was pointless and meaningless so I did whatever to myself. (I tried to not drag others into my decisions; which is inevitable, I give my biggest apologies.) Since those times, and even today, I ask myself, “Why Even Try?”

A big method I use to save myself is to write about my good days. I even post on Instagram, a lot, so I can go through my posts and re-live the good times.

Today, I want to share this main message: You are here to live for you. You are trying for you. To the current amazing, learning, and frustrated you. For the future ever-more-successful you. For the sweeter moment of seeing another live in grief as you once did, giving your shirt of compassion to them and filling them up with enough love to live two life time. It isn’t trying to live better for the parentals, spouses, friends, neighbors, or co-workers. The perks of those relationships come after your own self-ship.

The reality is, there is a circle of up and downs. If you are in my tribe with mental illness, that circle has a higher speed, or sometimes, it is so slow that the up-swing seems nonexistent. I practice every day to fill myself up with love. It’s hard. It feels funny. I keep doing it though, because when I like myself, I like my children, and sometimes my husband; and even, extended family members.

So, why even try? Because any amount of investment you put towards yourself, is an investment. Any progression forward, is moving forward.

My biggest hope is Christ. This time of year quickens my thoughts to Him. I can’t imagine being crucified nor resurrected. As I think of His many painful walks of rejection and persecution, I somehow can tie my pain to Him. He didn’t have the majority of people accepting His gospel. He had some who love Him, only to walk away and leave His side. I am sure His heart had grief. I am sure He felt despair and loneliness like many of us had.

To be fair in our fake world, I shall be honest. I am a bit upset with the Gods. For whatever reason, I am not a house owner. It’s a great desire. A GREAT ONE. I mope on occasion within an hour. I try to take every step forward to prove my ability to be a house owner, only to have things OUTSIDE of my control disrupt any growth for a home. November was a month to be thankful. HA. Ha. ha. I was in the “This is stupid” mode. An acquaintance was running a free gratitude seminar. WHAT-EV’s Lord, I can take a hint. As I listened to this seminar, I thought, “Why am I listening to this? Why am I wanting to listen to this? Why am I trying to be thankful?” ONE thing stood out and that was a challenge to serve someone and blessing their lives.

When I was done with the seminar I went on with my day with errands. I kept praying, “Lord, I am not in a position to help someone with a broke down car. I am not sure what I can do to give more to this world, I feel tired. Will You let me know where I can do good?” As I was going through the grocery store, I saw 2 church missionaries. Let’s be clear on ONE thing. I am not a supporter of missions. I dodge missionaries because I don’t want to be asked churchy questions, I dodge them because I am not fully on good terms with the Man Upstairs, AND MOSTLY, I do not have names to provide for investigation. So there were 2 missionaries and my heart said, “HEY! We can stand with them in the check out and pay for their groceries.” My head, “NOPE. They just filled their cart and must be headed out, I gotsa get my move on and be quick on my errand.”

So, I kept pushing my cart. My bleeding heart kept a pricking and sending feelings to my brain. SO I COMPROMISED, because I am somewhat a good person. When I completed my list, I walked to the front of the grocery store and lo and behold, 2 missionaries stand before me. I thought of their moms. I bet their moms ache for their kids. I bet those parents are on their knees daily, praying for food and protection to flow to their babies. I pushed my cart behind them in the check out.

These two missionaries were sweet and soft-spoken to one another. They were separating their items into two parts. One side for the blonde, one side for the brunette. They were calculating to make sure they had enough funds to pay for their  food. It was meager.

I didn’t know what to do. ME. The loud mouth. I kept trying to think of what to do. The roller belt started to give way and the missionaries were about to put their groceries on board. I blurted, “ELDERS?” They stopped and looked at me, with my 18 month old.

“Elders, I need to ask you for something. Will you help me?” They were really taken back and were hesitant to say yes. They replied, “We will sure try.”

I said something like the following, “Will you allow me to purchase your groceries today?”

They didn’t answer me. They looked at me like I am a fool… They may have been correct…

I bellowed in addition, “I also need you to throw in one treat for each of yourselves. If you don’t, then I’m going to choose one for you and I don’t need to be choosing something you don’t like.” (SMOOTHE, KAYLA.)

I was given many words of appreciation. I don’t remember if I was kind because remember, I don’t support missionaries. Here I was, throwing all my reasons out the window and trying to put forth a better foot. They asked what they could do in return, I simply said in 10 years, they can pay it forward.

I tried that day because I was done of feeling sorry for myself. I realized, again, that I am not alone in this world with struggles. I remembered that I added value and still had worth in this time of living. I remember feeling traitorous happy and still do. This began my spirit of Christmas of giving, as Christ gives to me. I tried because I was tired. Same letters, different outcomes.

I really conquered this post, great work if you are still reading. I conquered laundry, shear sharpening, dishes, and diapers, too. This is me trying. I am certain that if you keep your chin up, and eyes forward, you will find little reasons why you keep trying, too.

Much love to my tribe members who are trying,

Kayla

img_5151

Disconnect; Re-Spark; Re-Plug

Have you been hung up on an event in your life and unsure of how to move on? The stress consuming mind space, unwantedly… The books, cd’s, YouTube, podcasts, scriptures, advice, all awesome; however, they did not satisfy the unshakable or gut wrenching thoughts of failure.

This is how my 2016 has been. I had a moment of realizing blogging will be my thing to share my message of being raw/authentic/strong/and strengthening self-concept… all to be interrupted with stress!

Finally, I am to a point of not only acknowledging this pooh, but to tackle it and move on.

My year started off with high hopes. My husband and I were on different pages of how to grow our family, finances, faith, and goals; but we were on the same page to keep up the communication, aka “disagreements”, until we found mutual ground. I am so glad I have my partner!

My children are two boys that make me laugh and cry on a daily routine…nothing too much in this area…

The one thing I had, which I truly prized, because I truly desire it, was a best friend. Quickly after the new year, with each of us having stressors going on, (which I believed was another cool thing because of how close we were, we could be each other’s rocks and blast threw our poop mines), our friendship came to a too-quick halt. This was my first shatter to myself. I internalized this way too much…

Since I am a social cat, I tried to move on and help in a volunteer organization; which I had been volunteering for – just unofficially – and made it official in April. The communication had its struggles and my desire for my position and the organizations desire of my role was differed greatly. I disobeyed my principles of being real, honest, and raw for about 30% of that time, I put myself in trouble. I could not make the organization happy, so I tried more, and they were unhappy, so I did more, until I wore myself thin. (Please, tell me I will learn my lesson!) Finally, I came forward and said I took too much on. That I wouldn’t be able to create a welcome banner for an event, and shot myself in the foot. It trickled into more stress and more people disliking one another. Beginning of October, I stopped silencing my inner self and stepped away from my volunteer position.

Small. Incapable. Loser. Unworthy to be a friend. Anger. Hatred. Too many emotions of up and down. I can say I am happy I finally listened to myself, I just waited too long.

I allowed these events to take up valuable time of my thoughts. I have been re-training my thinking patterns towards myself for 3 years and it absolutely got hung up on these two events. Maybe a few more in the past but they were small compared to these two. Maybe in a way, you can relate. Some event or someone has said/done something to make you feel small. Your coping skills may surpass mine, and maybe you are still in a moment of feeling hung up….here is how I came to feeling resolved.

1) I had to listen to myself. I had to listen to that small part of me that encouraged me to do what was right for me and my family. I had to listen to that tiny, quiet part of me that says, “You’re bigger than what you are perceiving. You are not an unworthy friend or helper. You don’t need to be that person’s cup of tea, there are plenty of other cups, allow them to take your place. I love you, Kayla. Your hubby may not agree with you, yet he fully loves you, Kayla.” My list just continued on filling myself up.

2) Disconnected. This one is tricky, so keep in mind you’re not “fully disconnecting” in life. I was trying for weeks to keep in touch with my bestie. I would text play it safe messages and then I would address my concern of the strain in my friendship. It was not returned. I did one more thing to show my great desire for keeping our friendship solid. It was not returned. I allowed myself to have a great cry. I just allowed it to come and waited for it to be done. I did stop trying. Anytime I have had a small interaction, I put forth kindness and told myself I will not put myself in a vulnerable position until the other person showed the same kind of desire I had. (Maybe I am wrong on this, what do you think?) This was in May, after this I took a HARD LOOK at my relationships in life. This year has been one of coming forward to people that I couldn’t please and saying, “I feel I am unable to meet your expectations…” this has either had those individuals leave or say, “Really? LET’S RESOLVE THIS.” The ones that have gone away has left a trace of sadness, but you know what? I am not occupied with high stress of worrying if I met that person’s standards or not. I am not being consumed into self-questioning. I disconnected from that action of approving myself through another person. This action also helped when I stepped away in my volunteer work.

3) I re-sparked. This step has me in a full swing from guilt to the child-like attitude, “Do I have to?” mixed in with the full flavor of momness, “Oh, yes, shweet-pea, YOU GET TO!” Because I am in a place of high resolution to get my family in a home, I deny spending money towards myself – except with food. It did not start until August that I realized I did deserve some funds to treat myself. My father purchased my sister and I a mini-massage session. OH MY GOSH. Why do people neglect treating themselves? Why do we hates it? (Name the movie) I got my nails painted, I went shopping, the whole female thing. I am started feeling giddy towards who I am because of how good it felt to be a bit pampered.

All the while I have been on my game of good materials to fill my mind with good thoughts. I am surrounding myself with people who provide the positive vibes.

I am reminding myself that I have chosen to create a family and I can find the joy in being a home maker. It is not my thing… I am showing up 85% and doing my best and cheering myself on. (Being real that I DO have room to improve.) This re-sparking part, cheering yourself on with something you are weak in (might be a different area, like self-appreciation or reading good things..) is IMPORTANT, dearie. I also struggle with exercise. Not sure why my motivation is lacking, due to the fact exercise helps alleviate depression and fatigue and creates some awesome-juices for any person. I had to cheer myself on. Oh, the joy of exercise after producing two humans…

Re-sparking will not be the same for you as it is with me. You need to find something you REALLY like. For me, swimming, intimacy with my man, sunshine, snowboarding, holidays; these will re-ignite me. Even the pleasure of a bath and YouTube is just the right answer for a horrendous day. Re-Spark, Re-Ignite, back up to step one and make it simple on yourself.

4) Re-plug. I am sort of new on this step but it’s simple. Put yourself out there again. I don’t think you necessarily need to go back to the events/people that were difficult. I think with re-plugging that you need to have a re-new attitude towards what IS happening in the moment. Be aware of your needs while being willing to do YOUR SHARE of adding fullness in your day. If you start running and realize you need to slow down, do so with zero self-blame or hate. Forgive yourself each night and forgive others. Ask yourself aloud, “What can I do to improve XYZ?” You’ll be surprised how the solution will come forth. Mainly, be active in your thoughts, actions, and words. Keimg_5151ep an active ear for your life’s mission and go towards it.

I hope this post will not be needed by many. For the one, or two, souls this can affect, I hope it does so with a strong lift. No one deserves to be hung up in life. Every soul deserves to receive and to give his/her best in this life.

Love to all!

  • Kayla Bailey

Why I Choose No 2 Booze

Alcohol. My frenemy. I have been thinking of our times together, and due to my stress I am only able to recall the good times. That is how denial and deceit work for me, to help myself be persuaded. So, I decided to write out my memories of the reminders of how you have influenced my life…

9 years old, my first sip. I was in third grade, I was at a friend’s home and we were in the basement. Her father’s mini fridge was stocked with beer. We opened one up and passed it around. The taste was bitter and nasty, dare I say I thought it had turned? However, the burning sensation and burps had me laughing. I also have a soft spot to please others, added with the determination of never backing down. Curiosity began.

4th grade, 5th grade, I had here and there fun. 6th grade came the transition to more peers in middle  school; and thus, more opportunities for drinking. 7th grade was when I started a bigger effort in my hiding and scheming for booze. The summer after 7th grade was my “end it all” life event, which came a family move to another city for me to restart. 8th grade wasn’t so bad. The hard part about moving is that you don’t have a history of growing up with other individuals, aka the “fresh start.” I already had a habit of lying, I just came out of a mental health clinic for adolescents, and I felt more than ever I had to cover up who I was. (I truly felt honesty or lying would harm me.) By the end of my 8th grade, I was back to a similar environment I knew.

Truth be told, the biggest reason I drank was for acceptance. It may have started out as a social acceptance, but that quickly grew into me accepting me. Drinking did dull my inner voice telling me how damaged I was. Drinking did help me escape my anger. Drinking became my coping. When I drank, I became so fully relaxed….a bit too relaxed. 9th grade, I had a GPA of 1.9, how I wasn’t held back to repeat, I don’t know! (I don’t believe in LUCK, I believe in BLESSINGS. Here is some solid proof. Pun intended.) 10th grade, tried repeatedly to get out of my social habits, but entering others social groups wasn’t going too well. I was doing my best to repair bridges with my family of honesty. I was proving to be honest through many events back to back, but the damage was there. At this time, I had been traveling to another town to babysit for my eldest sibling. This was helping me to say “no” to parties. At this other town I started making friendships with my sister’s church group. Here, I thought I would have my 3rd chance. You know, the 2nd chance for your 2nd chance… smiley emoticon.

During Christmas break of my sophomore year, I realized there were too many bridges burnt where I lived. There does come a point when you have done your best to turn over a leaf, and if others can’t move forward with you, you need to have the strength to cut ties and move on. When you really want to change something, it isn’t just a decision, it’s a resolution and willpower to never go back…that’s what we’re taught, right? I moved in with my sister’s family. The first month was rough finding a new social circle. As time went on, things became easier. I was there less than a year and I started having friends who drank. I was doing well to be around them, not often, but to remain with my decision, no booze.

It wasn’t until I graduated highschool that I said, “Screw it.” For the next 3 months, I just went numb. I gave my power of self go. This goes to show I am human and I will continue to be imperfect. Doesn’t mean I should give up… or give in.

I look back at my memories. Fun games. Hilarious moments of embarrassment and lack of motor control. Only one black out. Seeing friends hospitalized for too much alcohol. Doing the routine, “Oh, man! I don’t remember a thing,” when I remember every detail. A lot of lying, a lot of concealing, I was very choosey of whom I drank with…in fact, many times I was at parties but didn’t drink so people couldn’t witness it, then I would take the alcohol and drink afterwards.

Here is why I choose to stop drinking:

The body is not able to withstand the moderate-high amount of alcohol. The effects on the brain, liver, skin-it just wasn’t worth it for me.

Judgment errors. I won’t go into this too much. If you know what drunk people act like, then you have a good idea of the judgment calls I errored in.

Need for ease. To be more relaxed of being goofy, more confident in me. The need to find an escape of my anger, my self concept of my past, my guilt. This is the main reason I drank. I took a long reflection of my life. Could I do this without alcohol? I had seen an adult in my life choose to be sober, so maybe I could be, too. (Thank you, Dad!) I made this decision in a time of not being spiritual or religious, at 18- I had my own life constitution, duh.

I made the choice to stop drinking, and I continue to make this choice, because drinking takes me to a dark place. I want to live my life without depending on a drink to help me get through the day. (For all those who drink, I freely admit in tough moments I feel as though there isn’t enough vodka to numb the intense stress) I still have many loved ones in my life who do drink. I am allowing them to find their own experience and lessons with alcohol. Someone’s limits and acceptance of drinking will differ than mine, and I won’t contest it, unless it is to a destructive point. If someone opens to me on this topic, I do my best to have a safe conversation and stay with my resolve of no booze for me.

For relaxation, I have turned to music, talk with hubby. Prayer, but sometimes I need something physical. The best thing for me is a bath and Youtube. I also have come to terms of myself; I am loud, I do like to be silly, and I can dance without leaning on alcohol. I decided that I could, so I can. As I grow older, the walls are harder to break. I admit I still have the talk with myself….if I really want to do something, then I need to be willing to do it without alcohol. I am finding out I am less embarrass in my crazy sober times than in my silly drunk times.

To celebrate, I still raise my glass of bubbly. It is non-alcoholic. I am just as engaged in cheering, honoring, and hugging. For all my professional colleagues- you all rock for accomodating me and still having fun with me!

For pairing alcohol a meal, I am still finding non-alcoholic drinks that are just as tasty and complimentary. There are some things you can’t substitute, so it is a sacrifice. That is part of the deal. I can deal with that, that is small for me.

Alcohol is alcohol, nothing can replace it. It is finding alternative choices and finding acceptance of oneself. I have gone to counseling for self-concept and self-esteem, this has trickled into me being stronger towards alcohol. I thought my experiences were only relatable to youth, yet I am finding adults to be experiencing this, too. I give my support, approval, and admiration for anyone who decides today to get help from friends, family, and professionals. Weakness is covering, cowering, and denying. Strength is surrendering, coming out, being honest, and allowing others in your life – to give love and aid.

As always, lots of love from me to you. Keep on improving of what you do.

-Kayla

Suicide: My story

I have been hem-hawing of what order to write my life events. I thought about starting from the time I was little and go up…I am very passionate about the topic in this post today. Let’s open the dialogue and have more awareness from all angles on suicide. Let me also state that I am not licensed in any way, if you are someone, or know someone who is relating to my story; find professional help today. Make the phone call today. I am holding you accountable, please message me below. After the phone call, return here and let’s get more familiar with each other.

In The Moment of Feeling Hopeless:

Before I go into memory lane, I’d like to acknowledge and give appreciation for all who are doing more to be of help in suicide prevention. Often times, “shame” and “blame” of who is responsible starts eating away our society. Let us uplift and inspire. Before I get to my uplift and inspire part, I’d like to share of what was going on inside of me during my struggling years. This is to bring awareness. This is to help others to know they are not alone and they do not need to feel the only way out is to end their chapter here on God’s green earth.

Due to an early event of my life, sexual abuse, (yes, strong to stomach and, yet, here I am happy and healthy, writing this article for you) I had a ripple of effect of feeling “less than”, “defective”, “unworthy”, “bad”, “gross”, and many other emotions. The mixture of these strong, ill feelings made me hate myself. I validated these emotions and saw myself for a creature not worth loving. At 9 years old I remember drinking my first alcoholic beverage and this led to many years of feeling accepted in a different social group, combined with feeling I had found my escape…. Or had I?

I had so many battles going on. Battles with friendships. Battle with religion. Battles with family members because of my deceitful choices. Then there was the largest battle, the battle with myself. One night, I had a fight with a sibling. I am a hot head and went to my parents for validation. In my perspective, I was so detested by others, so how could they have seen my perspective of the fight? How could I compare with my sibling? I went from feeling sadness to emptiness. In the emptiness I felt void of anything and remember thinking, “I’m ending this.” I knew were the menstrual pain relievers were, and I took action. Thank goodness to the highest of heavens that I am here, today.

For those who need numbers, it was a full bottle. I went to my mom and said I didn’t feel well, she asked my symptoms. A lot of aches. I truly felt God in my life because my mom knew what questions to ask. I remember both of us laying on my bed and I was becoming more light-headed. She asked if I needed some pain medicine for my aches, I replied I took some. She asked how much…. I said a whole bottle. This is where my memory starts to be short-coming. She and my step-dad whisked me to the car and we went to the hospital.

When I arrived, I saw the RN was a woman who I just babysat for. I believe it was hard for my mom to have her see me, since I recently watched her kids…but, I also believe there was a lot of love in that room. I remember the medical staff asking how many pills. I didn’t know. It was a full bottle. When they took my body readings: temperature, heart rate… they couldn’t find my heart rate…. Instantly, I had a tube down my throat and I started to purge anything in my system. I lost count after hearing they pulled 30 pills from my body. I remember the doctor telling my mom how good it was that I arrived when I did…I didn’t have another 30 minutes in me. The next hours were insane.I was told no, I can’t sleep. I had many iv’s and I hate THOSE! I had to hydrate. I had to be monitored of every “cc” of liquid, going in and coming out. My mom and stepdad were by my side for many hours. Taking turns going out in the hall to update other love ones on the phone.

By the age of 13, I knew what a hang over was. Coming out of that hospital was the worse hangover I had ever experienced. You know what? I am glad I can recall this moment. I am seeing even MORE love as I am reflecting back. My mom drove me to another city many miles away. I was exhausted, I slept almost the entire time. I went to an office with a much more education person to evaluate me. What I recall is the strong smell of popcorn, the popcorn machine with kernels everywhere, and laying down on the couch as my mom spoke with a guy. When I woke up, I was home and my mom was packing my bags. I read a letter from my sibling that I had a fight with. It had shaken my sibling. The whole time I read the letter I remember thinking, “This hadn’t anything to do with our fight…why did I do this?” Today, I can say that my 13-year-old self had given up any hope. I did not see any possibility of things going up. I think many people experience that. Not being able to feel sad, anger, that is scary. Yet, I didn’t feel scared, I felt I had made a choice. Again, so thankful I am here…let’s keep going so you can see why life always has hope.

My mom drove me to a state south of where we were living. I was going to a mental hospital. In the 90’s, this was considered a bad thing. I didn’t like the fact I was going there, and at the same time, my attitude was so turned against the people in my current life that I was open to something new. Little did my 13-year-old self know what lied within the journey ahead.

Years of therapy. Years of making mistakes. Fun mistakes. Not fun mistakes. BIG-YOU-DO-NOT-WRITE-A-BLOG-FOR-YOUR-MOM-DAD-STEPDAD-IN-LAWS-TO-READ mistakes. I also experienced beautiful moments. My hopeless moment trickled into my stepdad volunteering to search for a different job and city so I could start anew. (Sometimes I hate saying stepdad…he is my parent and very cherished.) I kept having moments of saying, “I want that to happen again!” So, I kept going. I enjoy laughter, I enjoy feeling liked, I enjoy friendships… I admit, the early years were difficult for me to like my family. I thought I would turn 18 and my life would be moving far away and changing my name and phone number. God works mysteriously. I do remember having moments of feeling thrown off of my hating game and seeing my family did love me. Boy, did my hot head go into another rage of battle…Oh, great, my family loves me. I learned to appreciate my teen years for I learned valuable lessons that other humans learn as adults.

The Moment of Being Engulfed with Hope:

I had many hopeful moments… One moment that really stands clear to me is when I was 17. I experience headaches and migraines often. More so when I was younger. Today, maybe twice a year. At 17, I was living with my dad. (He chose to move closer to help give me support as I was continuing my therapy and moving forward with life.) I was experiencing a pain that I felt was going to consume me and confine me in a squashed ball. I did something unusual that day. I am a praying gal. Always have been. However, this time, I fell to my knees and screamed. Afterwards, I was shouting. Then, my head fell forward and I sobbed. I begged God to lift this pain from my body. I had dropped out of highschool. I had a job 25 minutes away. I couldn’t feel like I could drive. The nearest person to help me was 30 minutes away. I had me. I remember asking God to take my pain and to help me to keep moving forward.

At that moment, that was the best physical state I had ever experienced. In that moment, I felt HOPE and it was filling my toes, limbs, core, up to my face with an absolute peaceful state. That gift of peace was a gift I had been longing for. It is a moment I truly treasure and another witness for me that a God existed. I had my doubts.

If you are feeling what I had felt; ask in your mind, “Who can I go to and speak to?” Trust your instincts.

If you are someone that knows someone, or has someone, experiencing this, I am sincerely requesting that you speak only uplifting words. Please leave out any sentence that involves shame. The person may not know why he, or she, feels this way. He, or she, may not want to divulge. Here is what I would do and say: First, I’d stop what I was doing and turn my body to that person. I am very physical so I might grab a hand. I’d say, “Kayla, you don’t have to walk this alone. I appreciate you trusting me with this. I may not know exactly what to do or I might not have the best words, but I will keep going along with you. What do you feel you need?” Allow the moment to be real. Maybe tears of releasing that heavy burden needs to flow. Maybe that moment needs to talk about others to be involved. Parents, grand-parents, siblings, professionals. I highly recommend a professional. If you feel secure, reach out to a community member: scout leader, church leader, someone who may have walked this path before. Any choice you do, ask, “Will this be of help? Am I showing love?” Most of all, be an advocate for professional help. It is way cool, m’kay?

What I would be cautious about, is thinking along the lines of, “This stays in our house. No one needs to know. You are tough. You got this. Grow up. Put your big boy/girl pants on.” I think these decisions can hinder growth. (Growth does have hard moments, aka, growing pains) But you can make the decision that any hardball thrown your way will make you become a better person. For YOURSELF. For others. Even when it goes public.

Let me finish my post with this:

I asked myself since 2nd grade, “Why must I experience this?” “Why me?” I truly do not like some of my life events. Sharing this post is very difficult for me, yet, I know that there are others out there feeling down. I have held it together writing this article until now. The mere thought of someone not feeling adequate, or undesirable, is too much for me. I am pro-life. I see the design of the beginning years of my life. I see that I have a loud mouth and strong will. Pair these up with my hardships and what do you have? A daughter of God who is able to help another on the hard topics.

For those who are really struggling, may I have more of your time to share with you of my joys?

A very big joy of mine was visiting my dad and swimming. He lived in Georgia and Florida for a time. That sweet air, warm sun, and water felt amazing. God’s natural drug for this gal. The outdoors can be very spiritual and very delightful!

Another joy of mine is trying out new things. Skateboarding, SNOWBOARDING, ice-blocking down a hill and eating dirt, laughing so hard in a movie theater and people hushing you, having an inside joke, I love adventure! I am missing so many moments on my adventures.

A great joy has been the friends I have met. When I dropped out of highschool, for 3 months, I made some of the best of pals I could have asked for. Oh man, did we make some memories. Then I went off to experience college. That was when I first experienced gal pals who loved me despite of my past.

One joy is finding passion in the work I do! I love to help others feel good and see themselves as the person I see them. When you find a job that provides the money and makes you feel like a rock star, THAT is something to wake up for.

A gigantic joy was meeting my husband. I tried to scare him off! When God aligned our timing to meet, I was nervous. My husband intimidated me, not because of his looks, but because he has many strengths that I did not…He is my greatest gift. I feel that God has given my husband an opening to how God views me. My husband was dealt with some of my most difficult moments and still likes me. That is COOL when you really think about it. He makes me laugh until tears come. He gives me that look and that kiss we all like to have. He listens to me. He calls me out. He is building a life with me! A girl who many feel is broken, yet, my husband sees me whole.

A long-time coming joy is family. I am healing. I have reached out to my family members, some to ask for forgiveness, others to start anew. That is something I thought I’d never want or experience, yet it is happening.

And lastly, my children. If you could see a part of yourself in a goofy, sweet, version and enjoy that moment..that is what it is like with my kids. They have more love radiating from their smiles than I could muster and contain in a sentence. My children are another gift I have because I keep going.

My life is not perfect. No such thing. My life is normal with the ups and downs. I am choosing to keep going forward, or circling back to a stubbling point until I move forward. Maybe it is fair to say, I still have moments of laying in bed and doing my best to rise strong, again. I have found it to be better when I do rise up and go forward.

I want to thank anyone who has read to this point. I thank those who are supporting my decision to reach out and be an advocate for healthy living.

If you would like to find more information on this topic; please visit:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you have anything to further say or ask, please post below!

Much love from me to you!

-KLA BAILEY

The Bounceback

When you first hear, “Bounceback,” what are you envisioning? Are you seeing yourself at your best self? What is YOUR bounceback?

For my world, it’s a decision and an on-going journey. The decision: to not turn back to old habits or old living standards. It’s funny “back” is mentioned in “bounceback,” because truly, I want to be better than any previous moment in my life. Can you go back to how things were? I don’t think so. You’re wiser when you go through the muck. You’re are less naive. You can return to previous good habits. You can return to a consistent schedule. However, when you are experiencing a “bounceback,” it’s anything but returning backwards. The is where the journey lies, finding and working for the better life.

I have found that when trying to move forward, when wanting to better my life, I need to acknowledge what has blocked me. I have seen with others, and I have experienced it with myself, that when I just “sweep it under the rug” and move forward, WHATEVER was blocking me, is still there. It also has a BIGGER BITE and usually is more difficult to conquer, due to the decision on not wanting to address it.

What are some things I have not want to dealt with? I will open the door, and I hope that doing so I can help another. I do not need any sympathy or cookies…wait, I take back about the cookies. I like gooey chocolate chip, or gooey peanut butter, and no-bakes. Ah-hem. What I really mean is, I am kicking the door open to privy things and I am okay. I have worked through some mountains, I have accepted some realities of my life, I am healing and ever growing! This world is tough and all I want my story to do is be a beacon for another.

I will be writing about the beauty of life. In my life, beauty came the moment I was born. It came after some terrible, great, enormous storms. Yet, here I am. I am a finder of joy in life! I am living on from experiencing sexual abuse, PTSD, depression, postpartum depression, and an attempt of suicide. Today, I am LIVING a fully life with amazing roles; wife, mom of 2, hair artist, and healthy living advocate! This is my space to share with you of where I came from, where I am, and where I am going. If anything I have learned in this life can be of help to another, then here I go…

Lots of love from me to you!

kla2